Just finished reading your book, and enjoyed it for its snarky goodness. I found a combination of sections interesting, as I recently separated from my husband of about 14 years, and then poured myself right into a relationship with another man––the day I moved out. Not my brightest moment, but I thankfully recognized warning signs before getting in too deep.
It all started very well. He was a gentleman, took me out to dinner, opened doors for me, and treated me really well in lots of other ways. We played music together and had a lot in common, but I wanted to take things slow because I felt rather gun-shy after a messy marriage. Mostly he respected that, until it seemed like he didn’t. One day we broke into an argument about something completely trivial, and he bombed me with a whole crap load of things he seemed to have been saving up since we’d begun seeing each other. It was as if he had kept tallies of all the little “transgressions” of my character every day in order to sock me with them during a moment of anger. He proceeded to shred my character, and, being upset, I left the room to cool off. We resolved the argument that night, only to have a couple more of similar instances resurface. When he sensed that I was ready to break it off, he told me that I couldn’t handle the truth about myself and had to go off and pout when we had a disagreement.
Several other red flags: At one point he said to me, “I prefer women with small breasts,” as he looked at my well-endowed chest. He talked about how much he enjoyed intimacy, only to regularly act uninterested whenever I wanted to be close. This guy complained about being overweight, then would sit in front of the TV all day eating. Duh. Even worse, he recently had heart surgery and complained about how his legs hurt from the lack of circulation, but couldn’t be bothered to walk for a few minutes every day, according to the doctor’s instructions, to make it better. “It hurts,” he would say. One of the final straws was his constant complaint of how “so many women hurt him,” (ie: he was cheated on by a couple of ladies, as though he was the first to ever experience that) so he was anxious about getting close. Hmm. I’ve had men hurting me my whole life, and still find it possible to be loving and generous with myself. Needless to say, I gave him the boot. Whew. Catastrophe avoided, and I am happily single.
On the second date, a guy asked if he “could keep me,” which was creepy but didn’t deter me from continuing to see him. Eventually we started a serious relationship and I moved in with him. While living together, he thought it was funny to sit on my face and fart, showing his maturity level was equal to that of a fifth grader. He was a huge slob so I was always cleaning up his mess. On one of these cleaning ventures I found pictures and letters from every single ex he’d ever had. When I confronted him, he said I shouldn’t have been looking at his stuff, despite the fact that it was laying all the hell over the place. Other occasions of note included him throwing an hour-long fit because I wouldn’t let him see his Christmas gifts pre-holiday and him pushing me over a bed as a joke right after I’d gotten back surgery.
Over time, we started having sex less and less and arguing more and more. We stopped living together but continued dating. No longer sharing a place, he decided he didn’t have to answer my calls and would make up lame excuses for not picking up his cell. Then came the kicker: I noticed that he was hiding his face during sex so that he wouldn’t have to look at me and that his sheets were always covered in dry semen, which I later found out was because he had a serious porn addiction. I broke up with him but he continued to call me long after the fact.
My boyfriend and I were dating long distance. I went out to visit him and was amazed by what a crybaby he’d become. He bitched about everything: how sore his muscles were from working out, how annoying the homeless people on the train were, how difficult school was, etc.
It was especially annoying given he didn’t work and his parents paid for literally everything he needed or wanted. At 28 years old, the guy should have shut the heck up and recognized that his situation was pretty damn easy. I couldn’t stand being around him and was happy when he became distant after my visit because it gave me all the more reason to dump his whining ass.
The twisted parent-child relationship my ex-husband had with his parents was a burning red flag that I unfortunately ignored. When I met him he had his “own place” (subletting from his now-ex-brother-in-law), but basically had all his meals and laundry done at mommy and daddy’s house. On top of that they gave him wads of cash whenever he wanted.
The strange thing was that my ex treated his parents like children, constantly harping and criticizing them for everything. He even tried to take control of their finances, constantly lecturing them on how they should be spending their time, money and essentially their lives. Our six-year marriage was not a happy one; he eventually became physically, verbally and financially abusive.
A year ago I took our daughter, the dog and as much stuff as I could fit in the car and left him. By the time the divorce was final, lawyers paid and the property divided, he was left with about $6,000 out of about $80,000 his parents gave him. And yes, the gifted money was considered a “marital asset.”
I had been dating this guy for almost two months and thought things were going well. We both liked the same kind of music, and got tickets to go to a rock concert. He was totally into me at the concert and on the way back to my house after the show. As we were snuggling on my loveseat, he wanted to have the “you and me” talk. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t “in love” with me (it hadn’t even been two months yet!) and that we should break up. In the beginning when we started dating, he said he wasn’t in a rush for anything serious, yet his excuse for ending things after almost two months was that he wasn’t in love with me. And to show interest in me during an amazing rock concert only to break up with me after, rude. The real kicker was that he wanted to stay friends and still do things together. I told him that would be too awkward, but he still continues to text me.