He eats all of your groceries.

I dated this guy who never wanted to go out—he only wanted to stay at my place and watch movies. Ok, fine, but the meals we ate were almost always meals that I cooked, and any movie rental was paid for by me. If I suggested going out to eat, he would say, “We don’t need to spend money, let’s just cook something here.” What did he think, that the grocery fairy came to my house? Cooking “something here” meant I paid for the meal, cooked it and cleaned up after.

The man could eat like he had a hollow leg: He would down a huge bag of chips, or eat a whole package of Chips Ahoy cookies in one sitting.  If he came over for dinner, he would hang around the next morning for hours and hours figuring I would eventually have to make some sort of breakfast. He never brought anything to my house, never contributed in any way.  He was at my house three or four nights a week freeloading. And to make things worse, his favorite rant was on how all women are gold diggers.  Pure. Class.

He expects to have his way with you by date two.

I met a guy online recently who lived out of town. He was in the area one day, so we met for a drink. The date went well and when it was over, he wanted to come back to my house. I said no (too soon).

The next night we were chatting and suddenly he started asking me some very personal, and inappropriate, questions: What kinds of panties do I wear? What are my favorite sex positions? I’m sorry, but I can’t take a guy seriously after he asks me super personal questions without first getting to know me better.

When he came to town the following night I still met him despite the weird questions and actually had a good time on our second date. As the date was winding down, I knew he wanted me to invite him over to my house, but there was no way that was going to happen. He asked, “What about that backrub we had talked about earlier?” I told him probably not on the second date, and asked if that was okay with him. He said it was fine. But then when I got home, he sent me a text saying that it wasn’t going to work out between us because I didn’t invite him back to my house for him to have his way with me. Can you believe that?!

He’s moving things along quickly.

It was the first week of a new internship when the guy in the next cubicle started flirting. I went along with it and he invited me to his apartment to watch an NFL game, my team was playing so I agreed. It all went downhill from there: Before the game he suggested we take his horribly behaved dog to have his nails clipped at Petsmart. Then on the way out of the store he called his mother on speakerphone so I could hear how “sweet she is.” We then grabbed “dinner” from Subway, which I paid for with the gift cards he gave me while he ran to the bathroom. Why I stayed to watch the entire game is beyond me. But I did, the whole time super uncomfortable because he kept putting his arm around me on the couch.

He continued to text me (while we were at work, right next to each other) the next few days, searching for compliments and clearly wanting to move really fast. One of the texts read, “I don’t think it’s weird for us to be together.” Mind you it had only been three days. He then asked me to come to his birthday dinner at the end of the week and meet his parents. I politely declined and did everything in my power to avoid him at work. Luckily he got back together with his ex a week later, and I was off the hook.

She pulls a hat pin on ya.

While I was in college, one of my roommate’s buddies was staying for the weekend and, long story short, needed a date. Somehow I ended up calling a friend in a woman’s residence who knew a girl that was also visiting, and we set her up with him. The only reason I believed the following story is because early in the evening, the dude showed back up, wide-eyed and in a state of shock, and the first words out of his mouth were, “She pulled a pin on me.”

We said, “What do you mean, she pulled a pin on you?,” thinking it was an open safety pin or something about that size.

“It was a fucking six inch hat pin,” he explained.  That got our attention.

We finally got the whole story out of him, he had picked up his date at the residential apartment she was visiting and took her to a movie.   On the way to the movie, he tried to impress her with a line of B.S. like, “My Jag’s in the shop, so I borrowed my friend’s car.” (He was actually borrowing my very used car.) That would be a fed flag for any woman.

The movie was O.K., but he said she seemed a little distant.  After the movie, they drove to a party to meet my roommate and his date. But they weren’t there when they pulled up to the house so he waited in the car. I have no idea if he explained to the girl that they were waiting for his friends or what she thought, but when he put his hand on the top of her seat she whipped out a hatpin and said, “Don’t you dare come any closer.”

He dropped her off at the first women’s residence he came to and somehow made his way to our apartment. The guy was definitely a douche, but the look of shock on his face was completely genuine.

He can’t live without his mom’s cooking.

After meeting a guy on an on-line dating site and chatting and talking for a few days, we decided to meet face to face. During our first date, food likes and dislikes were brought up.  He told me he loved the red sauce his mom made and ate it everyday. I thought he was being sarcastic, especially since his mom lived many states away. Then he told me he drove eight hours one way (yup, sixteen hours round trip) each month to get a stock of his mom’s red sauce (lovingly wrapped in single serving vacuumed sealed packages), which he would then freeze and eat for at least one meal each day. He was thirty-five years old and didn’t know how to cook anything except boiled noodles. After midnight when we decided to part ways, he didn’t even walk me to my car and we were not in a great area.