Here’s a first date eye opener: I went out with a co-worker of my 28-year-old daughter. She was 45, I was 53. Age was about the only match we had but I figured I’d give her a chance. On the way to dinner she asked, “What are you looking for in a woman?” I answered, “Someone normal.” She asked what I considered normal. I said someone who wasn’t bi-polar, on drugs, in so much debt I couldn’t rescue her, or tied down with kids and an ex who wasn’t paying child support. She came back with, “I’ve been married and divorced five times, I’m a three-time felon and I have two kids living with me.” I had to ask what the felonies were for. She told me the first was for getting caught with illegal drugs in a traffic stop, the second was for forging checks and the third was for shooting nine holes in her ex-husbands car when they broke up. I was shocked and almost turned the car around, but decided to be a gentleman and took her to dinner. That said, I was very relieved when she told me she had to be home early because she started work at 6 a.m.
My daughter was blown away to hear what I found out. She always thought her co-worker was a descent, respectable woman. I guess you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. I have to say, I appreciated her honesty–it kept me from wasting my time in a relationship only to find those things out later.
My ex was really into his car. It was a nice sports car but nothing insane and wasn’t pimped out or anything. Any time he talked about the car, he referred to it as his baby. As in “my baby needs a wash” or “where’d we park my baby again?” It was super annoying and weird because he seemed to go out of the way to make reference to his “baby.” When we hit a rough patch in the relationship, instead of working through things like an adult, he screamed and punched walls. So, it turned out he was the real baby and only capable of having a relationship with an inanimate object.
My ex-girlfriend had a pretty serious drinking problem and would continually drive home drunk after going out with her friends. When I confronted her about it, she told me that she was a “responsible drunk,” whatever that meant. When I told her that I thought she drank too much, she argued that she hadn’t had a drink in a week. Well, that was true, but the last time she drank she consumed an entire bottle of Patron–by herself. I tried to explain that it wasn’t how many times a week she drank, it was the quantity she’d intake per session.
On my way to meet a date at an art show, I stopped to get gas a couple of blocks away from the venue. After I filled up I tried to turn my car back on and for some reason the battery had died. After calling AAA, I texted the guy I was supposed to meet to let him know what was going on. His response was super sweet: asked if there was anything he could do, did I want him to meet me, etc. I told him where I was–right around the corner–and that I was waiting alone, thinking he would just come over and wait with me. No text back. I tried calling. No answer. Forty-five minutes later AAA came, jumped my car and I was on my way. I texted the guy that I was up and running and he called me back right away. There was something clearly weird about how he could conveniently hear his phone once I was okay. It was like as soon as he no longer had to come help me out, of course he was available.
My boyfriend had showed hints of craziness, but when we went on a cross country road trip it became apparent that he was one giant red flag. The following events occurred between NY and Ohio:
1. He got into a fight with a map, crumpled it up and threw it out the window.
2. He asked the gas station attendant to wash his windows, then didn’t tip the guy for doing it.
3. He insisted we listen to a best of hair bands mix … on repeat for four hours.
4. He had a screaming phone fight with his mom while I sat looking uncomfortable.
5. When I said I’d get car sick if I looked at the map for an extended period of time, he called me a “wuss.”
Ohio is actually as far as I made it. I had him drop me off in Akron and I flew the rest of the way west.
All from one girl, all on the first date:
1) She shows you the suicide scars on her wrists from a failed engagement.
2) She has a Dodge Viper (a relic from the failed engagement), and wants you to drive it.
3) She asks you your opinion of abortion after rape and then explains that she’s a child of rape. (Trick question? Not too sure …)
4) She can’t drive anywhere (because she’s on her third DUI).
5) She has really big fake tits (bought by her ex-fiance).
and finally, the kicker:
6) She wants it up the butt, really bad, with no lube, 24 hours after we’d met.
If you’re in a fight with your girlfriend and she threatens to get out of the car, we suggest you let her and find out just how crazy she actually is.